So I'm not exactly sure what my question is. There isn't just one, there's a cluster, but I think they all go back to the same point.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 11 months now. I wasn't allowed to date in high school so it was hard for he and I to see each other. During the summer David-the boyfriend-would come on my lunch breaks at work to see me, and when that wasn't possible, I begged my mother to let us see each other at least once a week. She knew about the relationship but wasn't too keen on helping us out because of the fear and anxiety of getting into with my father.
Now that David and I are in college, the tough times are strenuous because we are at different schools four hours away. I've only been back home once and he is only allowed to drive up here once a month. Actually his father doesn't even want him to do that anymore. Since i have been up at school I'm going through adjustment to living on my own and being independent and it's hard for me. I feel I'm going through a depression that I channel into my relationship. I almost feel that I don't want to be bothered with David. I'm always angry or very aggravated; I'm easily irritable and I take my sadness and lonliness out on David and only David. I'm becoming nonchalant about almost everything, and I really don't want to be here anymore. I'm not even trying to help our relationship. Why is that? I love David, but I'm questioning everything I believed for truth when we were in the same city.
The thing of it is, David has decided to transfer to my college in the spring, so with that knowledge why don't I feel relaxed knowing we will be okay? We argue constantly everytime we talk. At first it seemed we talked too much to make up for not seeing each other, and then David decided I could call him when I was feeling okay because it always seemed like a bad time when he did the calling. It worked at first, sometimes it still does, but most of the time I still sound very uninterested and uncaring when we talk. I never have anything to say, but in my mind and my heart I want to stay on the phone with him. I feel like I'm fighting a battle with myself. My heart just wants to let everything go like I seemed to do during the summer as we dated, but my mind "won't let me." It's being rebellious, keeping me stubbourn and seemingly uncaring. I know that sounds crazy but it's the only way to explain it. When we are together though things are great for the most part. I can't put a finger on why our relationship has become what it is. I often think of just breaking up with him but I can't give a reason why. It's an array of things and I question all of my thoughts and feelings for him. I question myself.
The best part of it all is, the first time David came to visit me, he proposed to me, and i said yes. We'd talked about a future together for a while beforehand, but it didn't have the excited wonderful feeling I thought there was supposed to be that comes along with a proposal. It's probably because my father doesn't accept us and my mother and David's parents would say it's too soon, so we have to keep it from everyone. But I don't call him my fiancee. I liked looking for dresses and planning a wedding at first but now it seems so far off in the distance. I don't understand how I am so unsure of our relationship in the present, but I know I could marry him in a heartbeat without thinking twice. David and I are pretty much best friends, but lately we haven't been communicating, and that's my fault.
I don't know what to do about this, can you help?

It sounds to me that you are fighting with yourself as to where you want this relationship to go and what you want out of life... Long distance relationships are never easy, and by what you have said, your parents haven't made it easy....

You need to take some time out for yourself and do some serious soul searching... Decide what is it you really want... Sit down with David and let him know that it is nothing personal, but that you need some space to figure things out.... You are young and are trying to adjust living alone and starting to live life.... Maybe you would like to explore the world before you settle down. Who knows, but only you can find that out, by taking time off for yourself....

It also seems like you are afraid of what your parents might think or do.. Remember that you are no longer a child and you need to live life for you, not your friends, or your parents... You need to start following your heart, your dreams, whatever is going to make you happy is what you need to do, don't let anyone stop you, not even your parents. You need to learn how to make your own decisions and learn from the mistakes you will be making in life.... (I would also suggest you speak to your parents about how you are feeling) It's time that they let go.....

Good Luck and God Bless!

Hello
I feel that most of your problems are due too both of your families. You feel you are doing something wrong if you allow yourself to let go and show how you feel toward David, because of your parents.You are at a age where you have to think about your life, what you truly want. Not everyone gets approval from their parents, and you have a choice who you want to be with the rest of your life.Is it needing the approval or is it too marry and love David.You are very confused, you need to more forward with your heart, or you may miss the best opportunties.Life is very stressful but you can't allow it too win.Be strong and stand up for what you want.Good Luck

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

---

Rocky

I'm sorry for the delayed reply to you all but I didn't realize I got a confirmation of my email and thought I never received a response! So thanks so much for the help, if only I would have received it when I really needed it.
Now David has transferred to NSU and he's doing pretty good. He's been going through his phase of homesickness and wants to drive home all the time but besides for that he's managing.
As for how it was going back in December we've gotten past that, only to move on to other little bumps. I'll give better detail on that at another time. To sum it up though, it feels to me like we're losing our connection. I mean with communication and not agreeing on a lot anymore. Last semester only did a bit of good for us as individuals but as a couple it's hurt us. He is very stubborn and doesn't want to listen to my advice on ways to better us; it can be pretty frustrating. I know he loves and cares for me very much, and I feel the same about him, but it doesn't help when I can't get him to try anything.
The biggest thing to me that has happened so far is that we decided to wait to be engaged. In early December I had a talk with him and told him I felt we should tell our parents about the engagement or at least how strongly we feel for each other but he wanted to keep it between us, he wasn't ready because he knew how his family would react. So I said that maybe we weren't ready to be engaged and that was the end. I hate that that happened but I think it was for the better.
In a way we have grown but there are so many things we need to change. It will take time but advice from those who know more would help at least me. I still go back and rattle off the advice I get or things I hear, but who knows what he's really thinking. It goes in one ear and out the other most of the time because if I have an idea he'll say "ok, ok," and the next day is doing the same thing we're supposed to be fixing. I'm not ready to quit but I think we just need more space because we spend all of our time together at NSU. We took a break the week before Spring Break and we couldn't help but still walk to a couple classes together and see each other a little but not seeing each other every minute did a bit of the trick. Over break we did our own thing but still spent some time together, and now at the close of the first week back I've been able to put my anger or irritation aside and let him know how I feel instead of letting it linger and being mad for an entire day. Just the other day we both agreed to try harder and hopefully David will stick to his end.
Granted when we had a talk over the break about all the things that bother us it didn't go very well. I cried, but I hope he got a little of what I was saying. The pressure is being put on us because I have family issues I'm trying to deal with and he's the person I go to about everything and he just doesn't always know how to handle it.
What we need help on is learning to DISCUSS and COMMUNICATE instead of ignoring everything or just not saying anything at the time. We also need to learn to not take each other for granted and reestablish the bond every relationship begins with.
Any suggestions?
P.S. you are very right yaleman and peggy. And I do do yoga and meditation! It does work wonders and I found a really good feung shai cd