How to Succeed with Trying to Make Your Relationship Work…Again!

REALationship.com Expert Rinatta Paries

Many couples go through struggles, fights, problems, issues and almost get to the brink of a break-up or divorce. Yet they love each other, are attached to each other, or are not ready to give up on what may be true love. This is a good thing – it’s good to keep trying to make love work.

But how do you get the “trying again” right and how do you survive the in-between time, when the relationship is not yet working exactly as both of you would like?
Here are the steps and activities the couple must engage in for the “trying again” to be successful. You will also find the actions each person should take by him/herself to survive while the relationship is being repaired.

Do this for the “trying again” to work:

1. Figure out what went wrong in your relationship. For this to work both of you must honestly look at what you did to get your relationship to its current state. It’s better that each of you try to take more of the blame rather than less of the blame. All defensiveness must be set aside, all excuses thrown out the window, so you can look honestly at what happened.

2. Get to work on yourselves. Work on those issues and personality traits which got you and your relationship into trouble. Work on these issues wholeheartedly, because if you don’t you will lose the relationship. Do everything in your power to turn your issues around. Read all the helpful books you can get your hands on. Take courses and ecourses. Get yourself a coach or therapist. Take significant action daily to show each other you care and value each other and your relationship. This is one of the most critical steps you can take to succeed in “trying again.”
 
3. Deal with the pain the two of you have caused each other. When ready, each of you will have to talk about the pain caused by the other, with that person listening intently and taking it in. You both will need to share the pain, listen to each other and find a way to truly forgive and start anew.

4. Talk to each other. Make sure you communicate clearly with each other about what you want and expect in the relationship. Next, make sure that you both know what each one of you is agreeing to achieve. Talk about your feelings and experiences. Share with each other what you are discovering in your personal work. And sometimes just talk about the weather or what’s going on your life. Use communication to connect.

But do not only communicate and do nothing else – this is where most couples who are “trying again” get into trouble. They reconnect, but do not make changes to support the connection and eventually destroy the relationship by the same actions which got them into trouble in the first place.

5. Create joyful moments together, even if they start out small. Spend snippets of time together, just being close. At the same time, do not throw yourself back into the thick of the relationship until the hard personal work has been done by both of you. You do not want to risk the fragile nature of a “trying again” relationship by overwhelming it with untransformed issues.

How to survive the “trying again” sanely:

1. Get daily support.

Help on a daily basis is priceless. Nothing keeps you moving towards what your heart wants like daily inspiration. Get daily inspiration, comfort, insight, encouragement, love, support and wisdom so that you can remember to think positive thoughts and maintain a positive attitude. Feed yourself with positive encouragement so that you can have more resources and patience during this period.

2. Face your greatest fears about the relationship:

·Face your greatest fear about the relationship
·Face your greatest wants and desires for the relationship
·Face the feelings of possibly not having what you want
·Face the feelings of losing the relationship
·Face your fear of disappointment and heartache

In facing your fears, you will confront those worst-possible scenarios which, when they are not faced, make it hard to be in the in-between time of waiting for the relationship to work. Facing the possibilities you fear will give you power and peace.

3. Come up with a strategy of what you will do if you greatest fears come true. Put the strategy down on paper and brainstorm or research real-world solutions and steps to take in case your relationship does not work out as planned. Having this strategy will give you your power back, and help you realize that you will be fine either way. Give yourself the comfort of knowing that, regardless of the situation, you will still be able to take care of yourself and your life.

4. Practice a spiritual discipline such as meditation, prayer, communing with nature, sitting quietly, going to church, etc. What you seek is training in how to be with what IS. Spiritual discipline can teach you how to accept the now when it’s not what you want and not what you hoped for and not what you would choose for yourself. Learning to be with what IS will teach you how to have peace in any circumstance.

5. Work on gratitude. So often when important situations in life are not going as we want, we tend to “throw out the baby with the bath water.” We discount or ignore the other things that are going well. Gratitude for those things that are going well will help you feel better and have more patience and resilience for the “trying again” in your relationship. A practice of making or reviewing a gratitude list each day can make a big difference in the level of happiness and well-being you experience.

6. Keep to a healthy routine and take care of yourself well. Go for walks. Go to sleep early. Meditate. Drink plenty of water. Get support. Do activities that bring you joy. Eat good food. Do things you like doing. The more you take care of yourself, the more resilience you can bring to your relationship situation and the more patient you will be in the “trying again” process.

7. Do your personal work. Dig into your personality and your issues. Look at what brought you to this point in your relationship. Forget about your partner for the moment and look at why you are here, what you are trying to work out, what part of your personality gets something out of the situation. Work with a coach or a counselor, read books, or take workshops to help yourself grow.

8. Go deeper into your career, your work, your family or your volunteer activities. While you and your partner are trying to work things out, and you don’t yet know where the relationship will end up, dig into other meaningful areas of your life. Give time and effort to those parts of your life that bring rich returns, but that you don’t normally have time to attend to.

9. Allow happiness. So often when major situations are not working as we wish them to be, we feel guilty for having happiness in other areas of life. It is as if there we have to be loyal to the unhappiness. Give yourself permission to be happy and to laugh. Give yourself moments of happiness by doing those things that give you the opportunity to be happy.

So how do you make this “trying again” the last time you have to try again and the beginning of something truly wonderful and magical between the two of you? 

Don’t just get together and hope that this time it will magically work out. Put in time and effort and grow both of yourselves and the relationship. Be patient with each other and commit yourselves to personal growth. Only then will your effort of “trying again” reap the rewards of a lasting, deep, fulfilling relationship.

-By Love Coach Rinatta Paries