How to make NEW Friends

REALationship.com Expert Christine Fife

Everyone knows how to make friends. Don’t they? Don’t you remember when you were in grade school and they taught you how to make friends with other kids? Neither do I. It’s funny that educators find it important to teach children how to finger paint, but no one ever spends an afternoon chatting with kids about exactly what it takes to make friends with other people.

As adults, we forget that making friends was hard, at least sometimes. Everyone assumes that if you throw children, and later on teens and adults, into situations where they have to spend time together, that magically friendships will form. But more and more these days we see headline news and talk show topics about teens and young people and adults who feel that they don’t have friends. They get picked on and turn inward and eventually act out in ways that can be destructive to themselves and harmful to others.

Friendship really is the basis of so many aspects of our lives. Anyone with a healthy set of friendships knows that friends provide comfort, companionship, advice, favors, the hard truth even if we don’t want to hear it, and much, much more. People without friends are lonely, lack guidance, seem strange to others, and probably don’t lead very fulfilling lives.

Take Action

So what is the trick, how do you make friends? What is it that comes naturally for some people but is a serious challenge for others? It’s easy for anyone to find a room full of people who could potentially become friends: community classes, volunteer projects, book clubs, online chat rooms, sporting clubs, bars, work, and on and on. But once you’re there, ready to meet your next best buddy, what do you do? The trick is finding a way to approach someone and get them talking to you. It requires that you take action. You have to put yourself out there because there is no guarantee that anyone will ever come over and talk to you. You aren’t the only person in the world who has ever been nervous about meeting new people and maybe the other people in the room haven’t read this article yet!

Get Over It

But I’m really shy and can’t just walk up to someone I don’t know and start talking to them, you say? Get over it! Oh, sorry to be so forceful. It’s easy for me to say because I’m not a shy person, but I know plenty of people who are. The reality is that you have to make a conscious decision: Am I going to let my shyness run my life or am I going to be in control of my own friendship destiny? It might be worthwhile to look inside and discover the underlying reason for your shyness. Do what you can to be outgoing enough to keep yourself open to friendship possibilities.

A Little Prep Work

Growing up my grandmother always told me to remember the seven Ps: piss poor prior planning prevents a proper performance. A little preparation, especially if you’re shy or find it uncomfortable to talk to strangers, can make a big difference. If you know you’re going to an event or activity where you can potentially make new friends, sit down and think about a few potential questions you could ask someone. There are always the old standards: Where did you go to school? What do you do for a living? Where are you from? What brought you to this event/activity? No, these aren’t the most uniquely creative things to ask, but they’re tried and true and there’s nothing wrong with them. To keep your questions open enough to engage the person in a conversation, try not to ask yes or no questions. Great questions to ask should allow the person to respond with more than a one-word answer. Also keep in mind that asking questions that will make the other person feel comfortable, as they might be alone and looking to meet new friends too, will help get them started conversing with you.

Put Yourself Out There

You have to make the decision to put yourself out there and talk to people. You can’t make new friends if you don’t open yourself up to the possibility. Whether you’ve specifically chosen to go to an event or join an activity to meet new friends or you just happen to be out somewhere, the time is always right to start talking to someone. Now, there are two choices when it comes to engaging someone else in conversation. The direct approach is just what it sounds like—you walk right up to your target and say, “How do ya do? I’m Tom.” It’s best not to scream at them but talk loudly enough to be heard, and a smile goes a long way where a scowl could freak them out. As a general rule of thumb, it’s best not to invade their personal space, either. If you can smell their breath before they open their mouth, you’re too close.

The second option is stealth mode. Saunter over to put yourself next to the person you’d like to strike up a conversation with. If there’s a seat open, ask them if anyone’s sitting there. They’ll either say, “Sure, sit down,” and you can then thank them and use that opportunity to introduce yourself and go ahead and tell them why you’re there and ask them how they ended up there. Or, they’ll say someone is already sitting in that seat—don’t panic. Just stand there and say something like, “Wow, it’s really crowded here. Did you think this event would have such a turn out?” Another stealth tactic, especially in a standing-room situation, is to “accidentally” bump into someone. Use that opportunity to apologize and start talking to them. But be careful as you don’t want to cause a pile-up by knocking over people in a domino-effect or end up with expensive dry cleaning bills due to red wine going amok.

Be a Friend

Now that you’ve met someone new, you have to actively participate in the friendship. This is where the real work starts. You can’t just meet someone, and Bang, a friendship is born. You have to get their phone number and their email address. You have to invite them to do things with you and call them up just to say hi. You need to email them articles you think they’ll like or offer to loan them a book you think they’d be interested in. You have to suck it up when they don’t have time for you and you have to be honest with them when you need to be. Being friends takes two people, but you only have the power to do your part. If you commit to being involved in the friendship, more than likely, your friend will be involved too.

Friends can change your life, keep you on track, hug you when you’re down and so much more. So take the initiative to get out there and make as many friends as you can. Everyone in the world may not want to be your friend, but lots of people will be thrilled to count you as a pal.