Relationship in the Dumps? Here’s How to Refresh It!

REALationship.com Expert Rinatta Paries

Is your relationship or marriage gasping for breath? Well, before you leave or stray to find a third person to meet your needs, try these steps to breathe life back into your relationship:

1. Find out which one of you is avoiding love and intimacy, and why

Who spends more time avoiding the other, making excuses for why you spend no time together or picking fights so that there is no time together? If one or both of you do this, you need to find out why.

Talk to each other in an honest, non-argumentative, non-judgmental way to see if you can figure out why you are trying to get away from each other instead of trying to get closer to each other. After all, you got into the relationship to be close, not to be distant.

Closeness will feed your heart and make you happy, while being distant saps your energy. Closeness may feel risky, but being distant will kill the relationship. Choose closeness.

2. Start planning time together that both of you are obligated to show up for

Yes, planned time together sounds unromantic and unspontaneous. Neither one of you will get the thrill of being swept off your feet. But if your relationship is in the dumps and you are feeling disconnected, planned time together can help you connect and find out what’s been keeping you apart.

When you get closer again and get to liking each other again you can add in spontaneous time together. However, in order to keep your relationship healthy you need to schedule relationship time often – daily or at least three times weekly. Don’t leave the health and happiness of your relationship up to chance – plan it in.

3. Revive passion

Passion and physical intimacy between the two of you not what they used to be? Most people who are in a long-term relationship give up on the relationship being the source of satisfying passion – and that is really a shame. In thriving relationships passion only gets deeper and more expressive over time, instead of getting boring and stale. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had that in your relationship? You can!

Start by talking to each other about why passion is lagging or missing. This is not an easy conversation to have. However, it is easier to have this conversation than to live without passion.

Be sure that you are honest with each other – otherwise there will not be a resolution and nothing will change. Together figure out what needs to happen next. Does someone need to go to the doctor and get a physical to make sure everything is in order? Have someone’s sensual needs changed since you two first got together? Or does someone need to deal with issues that prevent a passionate connection between the two of you? Do what you need to do to put passion back into your relationship – it is an important cornerstone of relationship satisfaction and happiness.

4. Get into the habit of communicating with each other

Relationships where couples communicate thrive, while relationships where couples stay silent disintegrate. But communication does not mean just talking. While talking about the weather and what’s going on with the neighbors or the local sports team is nice, it will do nothing for your relationship.

The kind of communication that will revive a dried up relationship is communication about subjects and issues that deeply matter to each of you. What matters most is how you feel, what you think and what you are experiencing. Communicate about these very personal topics to each other.

What’s more, set up times specifically for communication. Again, if your relationship is in the dumps, structure can be your friend. Scheduled time for communication can be just the thing that will get you back into being connected.

Here is how you might put these four suggestions to use. The two of you talk and decide that you want more closeness, that you are both tired of life getting in the way of your love for each other. You agree to set aside an hour each night for each other, no matter what happens. Or you agree to set an hour or two aside for each other three days a week. You mark the dates in both of your calendars, making sure no one double-books or forgets.

You both know this will be hard. Some things that you would usually do will not get done. TV shows one or both of you may like will not get watched. Books may not get read. Work may not get done. Dishes may not get washed. Yet you know your relationship is worth the sacrifice.

Some nights you talk about what’s in the way of you being closer to each other. Some nights you talk about your day and how it made you feel. Some nights you just touch and don’t talk at all. Some nights you burn up the bed. You never give up that time together, no matter what the pressure is from the outside.

-By Love Coach Rinatta Paries