Dating Someone You Always Fight With

Question:

My fiancé and I fight all the time, it’s been like this for three years now, it seems like all we do is fight even over the smallest things. I really love him and we have a beautiful baby boy. Is it worth it stay in a relationship with him? I’m really trying, I just don’t know how much more fighting I can take. I don’t want our son to have parents who fight. What should I do?   - Tanya Peters from Nebraska

Answer:

The first thing that needs to be address is if the fighting is in any physical, seek help immediately. You should also seek professional help if the fighting is verbally abusive toward you.

If the fighting is not physical and falls more in along the lines of verbal arguments that you can both claim responsibility for, then there are many things you need to consider. This is a difficult question and the bottom line is that the answer has to come from you. But here are a few things that might help you come to a decision for yourself.

First, couples counseling can be a great help to many people. If your fiancé is willing, there are many services that can help couples work out problems. Many of these methods don’t cost a fortune, either. Look around in the phone book or online in your area and see what is available. If you are affiliated with a religious organization, the leader of that group may also be a great resource. Some insurance plans can help to cover the cost.

Second, ask your fiancé to sit down with you and talk things out. Try and determine what the source of your arguing is. Are you really arguing about the fact that he is late getting home or that you aren’t supportive of an activity he likes to do? Do either of you really care enough about the mess in the kitchen to create a whole fight about it? Or is there an underlying issue at the root of the problem? Stress is a powerful thing that most people forget about. If you’re both under pressure from different aspects of life—work, family, money, friends—then that may be manifesting itself as silly arguments between the two of you.

Finally, before you choose to end the relationship, think hard about why you were together in the first place. Are you really not compatible as a couple but were as friends? Did circumstances push you two together rather than a conscious choice? Loving someone is wonderful, but married couples should be able to work as a team. Life is not always going to be sunshine and roses, but if you can support one another when times are rough, rather than taking your anger and frustrations out on each other, you’ll have a stronger and healthier life.

You’re right, arguing around your child is not a healthy environment, so that fact that you are taking a step to change is a great thing. Let us know how it goes.

  -RET

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